A Look Inside

So I’m trying to start a new chapter in my life. I’ve discovered I am a very unhappy person and have been taking it out on my family more than I should. Don’t get me wrong I love my husband and kids more than anything in life but I’ve figured out that I hate myself. I hate myself for my failures in life, my weaknesses and of course my addictions. So let’s talk about those things that I hate in myself and that tend to bring rain to an otherwise great life.

My Failure​

My only real failure is that I live paycheck to paycheck, sometimes I have to sacrifice things I need in order to get something one of the kids want. Other times I have to tell them that they will have to wait until payday or I have to go ask my husband for a hand out. That’s the hardest thing to do even though he makes three times as much as I do but it’s a pride thing. At my stage in life I shouldn’t have to ask someone else to help out. But on the flip side of that he should be a bit more supportive financially. Especially when at the end of a pay period I’m scraping up change to buy a gallon of milk or balancing my checkbook to make sure I don’t overdraft and I see he has taken more out of the ATM in a week than I make in two just to support his gambling problem. He’s been getting really bad lately and when I bring it up he gets pissed off saying work is so stressful and that’s his way of dealing with the stress. Well news to him home is stressful for me and the way I’ve been dealing with it isn’t good. I’m working on my coping methods the worse two ways being drinking and taking the anger and frustration out on the kids by yelling more than necessary. I just wish he could see how what he is doing is affecting me and in turn the kids but he’s blind to it. I’ve talked to him, he says he’s working on it but then once his paycheck is deposited he’s right back at it.

My Weakness

In response to this I have found myself drinking more than normal. Some mornings I wake up and think why did I do that and others are what did I do? When I wake up feeling like that I know I had more than I should have and I need to get it under control. I’ve been telling myself this for some time now but when my husband comes home from one of his gambling adventures and hands me $20 to go to the bar with (I don’t get to keep it unless I go) it’s hard to say no. Then I tell myself I’ll only have a couple and a half hour goes by and I’m already on number 3 and by then they’re going down so well it’s like what’s one more and one more and oh shit I got to get home.One reason I think I do enjoy drinking is it relaxes me greatly and I don’t seem to get as frustrated with the kids. They don’t deserve to be yelled at but with all the stress and pressure of being so short on cash all the time and knowing it doesn’t have to be that way I tend to get more frustrated than I should and since they fight so much it’s easy to just yell and take it out on them. I listed this as a weakness because I am not addicted to drinking and can go without but I seem to reach for it when I want to better my mood, forget things or just need some me time.

My Addiction

That leads us to my one disgusting addiction, cigarettes! I so wish I could quit them but that is my one release that doesn’t impair my judgment. That is my escape at work when I need a reason to get away from my desk, it’s my escape at home when I feel myself getting overly angry with my daughter and her sassiness or for making her brother cry all the time or for just no listening and having to have the last word in every argument. It’s my release any time I’m frustrated and if I were to give that up I’m not sure how I would deal with it. I’ve tried nicotine replacement methods, prescriptions, gum, cold turkey and nothing works for me. I think it’s because as much as I want to quit and as hard as it is to afford to continue I’m afraid. I’m afraid of going without one in that time of need, afraid of what I would do instead so I always manage to come up with the cash to buy another pack.

So in discovering all these issues with myself I need to remember I can’t climb the mountain in one day and I need to make a little progress daily until I conquer it all. I’ve got a good start on the drinking since today’s number four without any booze. Now I don’t feel the need to never drink again but I just need to gain control of how much or how quickly I pour them down. The money issue will remain an issue until either I make more or my husband opens his eyes and quits looking the other direction from his addiction. And smoking well maybe once the dust settles on everything else I will be able to conquer it.

Wife of a Gambler

Life has been quite the struggle,

Giving me challenge after challenge.

From the outside it all looks great

But on the inside I’m dying a bit more each day.

I’m not the patient, happy person I once was,

But a frustrated, short tempered mom fighting a battle for two.

I live paycheck to paycheck,

Being creative just to keep milk in the fridge,

Clothes on their backs, shoes on their feet,

Diapers on his bottom and food on the table.

He’s throwing money to the wind

Like it grows on a tree in the backyard

Complaining because work is stressful

And that’s his way of coping.

If only he’d sit back and realize what’s going on

What it’s doing to me, to us

While he’s out releasing built up stress

I’m falling apart more and more.

He comes home and hands me money

Like that will solve all the problems

But the biggest problem with that is

In order to keep it I have to drink it away

That’s not solving anything beyond a couple hours

Because the next day I’m still broke.

I’ve tried telling him how I feel, how it hurts me

But he doesn’t want to hear it; he doesn’t want to admit it.

Because if he did he would know

That he’s tearing us apart.